The Internet Fascicles

By:

Britt Nichols

To my inner child

I am still fighting for you; and achieving all the dreams they told you were out of your reach.

Trigger Warning

Many of the poems in this collection express emotions that some may find triggering. Topics such as depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideations are explored within these pages. Please be aware that many of these poems are not suitable for those under the age of 18.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. The Suicide Prevention Hotline (988) and those you love are here to guide you from the darkness you feel trapped in. You only need to reach out.

-Britt

1.

Ingredients needed to make a poet:

2 cups of melancholy

1 ½ cups of trauma (preferably childhood, but any will do)

1 cup of curiosity

2 tablespoons of despair

A pinch of 1 crutch of your choosing

(Warning: if more than 1 crutch is used chaos will ensue)

And a dash of stardust

2.

I am the Moon

The bright light that shines despite

being completely surrounded by the dark

3.

I fein for the lingering feeling

a good story leaves

It’s a high I can live off of for weeks

4.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who sat in front of a freckled faced red-headed boy in their sixth-grade homeroom. 

The girl was quiet, because she was harboring a sadness deep inside and wanted nothing more than to escape the place she was at, with the book that was in her hands.

The boy was loud and boisterous, always drawing in the attention of the room. It was the justification he needed that he wasn’t getting at home. 

The boy would pester the girl while she sat in front of him with an array of tactics. He would get her so frustrated that she would stew on it and let it fester. 

And at the end of the year, she wrote ANNOYING in bold letters across his face in her yearbook.

The next year the girl and the boy moved to different towns and schools. They spent years just barely missing the crossing of each other’s paths. 

In that time the girl went on to desperately search for love and acceptance. She looked and she looked but the love she found only broke her further and left her feeling emptier each time. 

The boy found his way of getting the attention on him with athletics, but something was always missing. It was attention, but not genuine soul burning attention that made him feel like he was truly seen. So, the boy too searched for love and only found chaos and trouble.

Then one day at the age of 19 the boy saw the girl on the internet and sent her a friend request, to which she accepted. It took months, but the girl eventually agreed to a first date with the boy.

The girl had not seen the boy since seventh grade and did not anticipate what would happen next.

You see, at this point the girl had given up hope. She had accepted her unlovable existence and let go of her daydreams. She had no expectations of love when she opened the door to his car and was hit with the cosmic jolt of their energies colliding back into each other; like they had been silently screaming for each other ever since they parted.

But please don’t confuse this story with a beautiful and sunshine filled happily ever after. It is far from it and yet exceedingly more beautiful; because it is rooted in reality. 

You see the girl and boy grew into a woman and man, who faced many trials and hurdles. They lived in vehicles, pop up campers, and houses. They traveled and experienced the natural beauty of the world around them. They fought and battled. They hit low points and climbed back to the high ones. They forced each other to grow and rethink the world around them. They had children and became the family they never had. They painstakingly learned how to battle less and became so much more than partners.

Every single day they decided to choose each other and grew to love each new version they became with time. Together they formed a type of love they spent their childhoods dreaming of; unbreakable real love ❤️

5.

This is a moment of mindfulness

Hurry — Don’t let it escape you!

Take every second of it in

For, they will never be this little again

Feel the vibrations of their laughter

Acknowledge the effects of their smiles

And store all of these memories deep inside

6.

Every time you create art in this modern society 

You slice out tiny pieces of your soul to sell and be crucified publicly 

Till you have nothing left to give

7.

I want to be everything and nothing

It just depends on the day

8.

If I could write a letter

to the feminist of the past

I’d be sure to write Abigail first

and thank her for standing up

to her husband like that

I would then write to

Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott

To show them my gratitude for their bravery

and make sure they know it inspires the movement daily

I would take a second to tell Febb Burn

How much I appreciate her parenting style

Because without it, Harry would have never voted

Yes

I would be sure to write to and show

my most regarded respects

to Ida B. Wells

Her strength to stand up to all her oppressors

has served everyone that followed in her

footsteps well

I would tell Betty Friedan

How glad I am

that she grew sick of being a housewife

I would tell Ruth her time as a Justice

is still lingering within the feminist movement

And we will persistently dissent inequality

for her with everything in us

Lastly, I would write my great grandmother

and thank her from the bottom of my heart

Without her I would have never known where 

to start

But most importantly,

I would ensure that they ALL knew

we are still fighting and are stronger because of,

You

9.

For today,

I choose to blindly believe I am finally alive

So — tomorrow I actually will be

10.

I never felt seen growing up

Never once felt like those around me understood

I didn’t realize how easily all that 

would melt away with just your touch

That my body and mind could feel so alive

After feeling lifeless for so long

I didn’t think I had a reason to live

That is —

Until your voice whispered my name in the dark

Sending soundwaves of energy that rippled

throughout me creating a sensation

I had never experienced before

Waking every cell within my body

Leaving me craving more

11.

I know wishing them gone is unrealistic 

But can’t I just turn them off for a minute?

They are too strong and all consuming

They are so very intruding

These emotions coursing through me

12.

While driving the other day I saw a black bird on the side of the road. I’ll never forget it was sitting there as if waiting. For reference, I’m driving at fifty miles per hour and coming up on a slight curve. The bird is sitting in the middle of said curve at the edge of the road. When I saw it, it felt like time slowed just enough for us to make eye contact. Which is what has made its next move stick with me so profoundly. As I passed the bird launched itself into my car’s path giving me no other option but to hit it and kill it. It’s been days and I still can’t shake the encounter. I can’t help but wonder, have the birds created a society that is just as shit as ours? One so torturous, deceiving, and corrupt that some only see one way out? Are we all stuck in the same algorithm that has created the same issues across the board?

13.

The South likes to believe their hospitality makes them genuine

Truly, most southerners live their lives believing they are caring empathetic humans adding good to the world for serving someone in need a plate of biscuit and gravy

But what happens when you look past the plate of biscuit and gravy and take a look at who is serving it?

You are more than likely to find someone who is judging you and gossiping about you to all who will listen about your situation. 

Someone who discriminates with their generosity and luckily your skin is white

Someone who spends their free time spewing their bigotry with a keyboard and a comment section 

Someone who deceives flawlessly through a face of kindness 

Someone who will most likely never see the errors of their ways 

But hey they are helping you out right

14.

I sat out in the rain last night

— It had been too long

The cold drops hit my face

Each one shocking me back to life

In that singular moment

I wasn’t a shell of a being

trapped inside my brain

Finally, I felt everything

Then like the rain rolling down my face

I let it all go

15.

The archetypes are everywhere

You can see them if you are looking

The characters you love most are just out there for you to find;

The jokesters

The damsels

The feminists

The heroes

The brooding men

The overbearing parents holding the main characters back

The mentors

The best friends

The bad guys who aren’t really bad

And of course the actual villains

Remember, fiction isn’t as fictional as you think

You can have the stories you read if you just look around you and believe

16.

I remember the first time I felt shame

for attraction

It was fifth grade and in the middle 

of end of the year testing 

I looked up at a fellow classmate deep in thought while she colored in the bubbles on her answer key

I couldn’t help but to stare at how perfectly her hair framed her face 

My gaze became stuck on her lips and it gave me butterflies at the thought of them touching mine

It startled me, so I quickly hid all of those thoughts deep inside

As I grew older I shoved the shame down voraciously every time the thoughts tried to resurface 

I refused to accept them for what they were and the judgements that would come with them 

Until, one day that shame learned how to transform itself into acceptance 

So it could burst past every lock I had it confined with and poured out in magnificent shades of pink, purple, and blue 

17.

This relationship I have with words —

it’s powerful and dangerous

They allow me to feel whole

when they are flowing from my hands

As if I have a purpose that is tied

solely to them

Then they turn around and eviscerate me

the moment they leave someone else’s mouth

Their blatant betrayal —

Always teasing to drive me mad

and be fatal

18.

I fear I may end up living the rest of my life 

on the edge of okay and sheer depressive madness

Jumping from precipice to precipice

Just barely avoiding the massive black pit

19.

The boxes in my brain used

to be so strong

Somehow they all got wet

And now everything has gone wrong

20.

About those who have loved me:

They only loved me for the version of me they thought they could create from my broken pieces. They saw potential. They saw someone so desperate to be loved and took hold of the opportunity to build the person they wanted; only to find out that none of my pieces will ever fit back together. It is then that the venom spews from them and my pieces begin to rot more, so much so that even I can’t seem to get them back together anymore.

21.

I’m only happy when

my pen touches paper

It is the only time

I understand why I exist

The only place I can

properly get what I am

thinking out of my head

; My safe place

22.

The best of us are damaged

With smiling faces

23.

10 that’s the year I began looking for validation in all the wrong places

10 was when I decided I was not worthy of love

10 was when this darkness creeped into my soul and devoured it

10 was the year abandonment began haunting my dreams 

As the healing process begins

I’ve noticed

It always comes back to 10

24.

My demons keep me company in

the silence of the night

They hold me close and whisper

sweet nothings of fright

Till I finally give in

and fall asleep to their

ghoulish lullabies

25.

Life is weird lately —

Everyone is selling their souls to capitalism 

In return they aren’t even able to afford a home

Life is weird lately —

We are all just scrolling on our phones and dissociating 

Meanwhile, innocent families are dying from bombs

and political ties are allowing it all

Life is weird lately —

Everyone is walking around like everything is okay

Despite the fact that the human species

is killing our planet further each and everyday

Life is weird lately —

We are all thinking about our next post

Instead of how to solve the issues that impact us the most

Life is just so damn weird lately —

26.

Masks upon Masks

Laying in a row

One for every interaction I will ever know

Masks to make me normal

Masks to make me sane

Masks to just get me through another day 

I’ve created so many

I’ve blurred all their lines

I can no longer find the Mask that is truly mine

27.

No amount of

Reprogramming and Uncoding

is getting rid of the 

emotional residue lingering

in all of my Cells

I feel it faintly at all times

thriving and tantalizing

threatening to resurface in fullness

Longing to consume me Whole

28.

Cleaving myself from extreme to extreme 

Shocking my senses back into me

Physical pain is beautiful and serene

Creating a desperate reassurance 

in me

I’m still alive and can feel —

All of this is still real

29.

It’s not okay in my head

Half of me is here

Half of me is dead

My thoughts are perpetually 

swirling and twirling around

Facts are always screaming out in the background

Music is playing loudly from somewhere overhead

And mini versions of me are frantically fighting off

That parts of me that are dead

I’d invite you in but then I’d never see you again

30.

In regards to my depression —

It presses harder on my chest when I try to break 

free 

It consumes me like a symbiote and I can barely 

breath

I’m it’s prisoner at this point as it looks me in the

eyes 

I know my only escape is to die

31.

I’m baffled when people love me

I can never understand why

I don’t see what they see

No matter how hard I try

32.

I spent my 20’s searching for a way to dull the fact

That I feel life so deeply

Only to learn

I was cut from the cloth of a poet

And there is no way to escape destiny 

33.

The woman at Denver Airport

A scene from my life that plays out in my brain often is of the woman I saw in the Denver Airport check-in line

Honestly, I feel like calling her a woman is an injustice when she clearly was more

Her skin had a faint glow to it 

one that only a trained  

magical eye can see

Her eyes were the lightest of blues and stood out in contrast with her sandy red hair and purple cottage core dress

I spent the entire time doing my best to not awkwardly stare as we walked past each other in the zig zagging lines because I felt drawn to her like a sirens call

A call that is still ringing out in my head

when her face enters my mind once again

34.

I feel at home

laying among the

Sycamores

I listen intently 

as the wind soars

Bringing the sounds of

The nymphs and dryads alive

I pay attention so

their words don’t

just slip by

They tell me the secrets

of the forest

and all that is inside

As it is time to leave

I am sure to

hold their words 

close to me

35.

I’m in love with a man

who is as bold 

as a Leo is supposed to be

A man who is so confident

it transfers throughout me

I’m in love with a man

Whose jawline is so sharp

it makes my knees weak

A man whose brain

Utterly captivated me

I’m in love with a man

who encourages me 

to leave my comfort zone

A man who believes in me

and walks with me

Into the unknown 

36.

The Modern-Day Feminist

I was born with this fight inside me

passed down by the women before me

It’s embedded in my DNA code

A vital part of my soul

So, I carry it with me wherever I go

It is in every decision I make

down every road I take

I even wear it all over my face

It is this part of me that keeps me going

Because of it I will never give up

The generations that come after me

Will know this as a fact

Because it will be our generation’s 

feminist movement that brings 

their rights back

37.

Nothing is more beautiful

then a tree

without its leaves

Confidently standing there

with every imperfection

flying in the breeze

Setting a bold example

for how we all should be

Instead of letting negatives

bring us to our knees

38.

I lost myself a long time ago 

In the mix of just trying to feel loved

Overtime, I built myself into a version

of everyone else’s preferences

Then realized the gratification from their love

was utterly depressing

39.

I feel too fucking much

Too fucking deeply

My skin is perpetually absorbing

the energy that is pounding against it

— without my consent

My ears are constantly hearing

the whispers of all

that is not said

My heart is permanently aching

for a type of love 

I am certain doesn’t exist

The cells in my body

all electrically charge

to try and resist

I am easily consumed by all of this

to the point that it physically fucking hurts

I am convinced this isn’t a gift

It is a curse

40.

I’ve watched you die so many different deaths

I’ve grieved the loss of you over and over again

I thought it would get easier

saying goodbye to all your many lives

But I’m only losing the real you further

every time

It is all starting to feel final

I no longer hold onto hope

I understand that no one should have to be that strong for that long 

41.

I don’t have an angel or demon on my shoulders

I have a brain completely split in two

One side temptingly whispers to end it all

While the other screams out — Don’t you Dare!

I can barely think past their arguing, so I just sit here and stare

42.

I’m always the Rabbit

and never Alice

43.

During the day my body feels like a stretch doll as I attempt to complete all my tasks 

My arms are pulled to the kitchen 

My legs are pulled from room to room

My head swivels as I take in all the things I must do

It’s a revolving door of motherhood, household chores, school, and career 

Their to-do lists look back at me like a mirror 

At the end of the day when everything calms my body feels like a mound of clay that has been played with by a 3 year old all day

So quite honestly — 

Fuck those dinner dishes in the sink

44.

I am permanently worrying that something is not right

I love every second waiting for it’s strike

Tormenting myself with the possibilities

of all the things that could be the death of me

45.

The hole is back!

I had filled it, but now it’s cracked

The black muck is now

spewing from my sides

Soon I’ll be engulfed inside

With that being said,

I don’t know when I’ll see you again

my dear friend

For I’m about to be lost in the darkness again….

46.

I fear you will win in the end — 

That I’m living falsely as if I’ve escaped this fate

I can feel you thriving in the shadows of my brain,

sometimes it’s more than I can take

I would be easy to let you consume me

But I never take the easy route

So, you wait patiently for your moment to take me

Out

47.

My brain runs on dial up 

Just give me a second it’ll catch up 

48.

I knew coming out Bisexual would be hard

I knew I would be criticized 

I did not know it would be from both sides

I did not realize how scrutinized I’d be made to feel by the gay community 

I was blindsided by mean words from fellow bisexuals who should have empathy

I was naive in thinking they would understand 

It was a disheartening realization to have

Knowing that your going to catch judgment no matter the path

When you were hoping for acceptance at last

49.

The crisp air on my face

makes me feel alive

The warmth sneaking through 

the clouds allows 

me to thrive

The sounds of the 

running water

has my imagination 

at play

My deep breaths

of nature

keeps my

energy at bay 

50.

At the end of the day I always wish to be

something new

Something a little less blue

Today was different though —

Today self-love made me glow

51.

I hope you are reading these words hundreds of years later

I hope I am history

I hope we didn’t fuck up too much

I hope everything worked out in the end

I hope you are reading these words

because the Earth is still around

I hope humans finally figured it out